Been A While

                              hasn't it?
I feel like I'm in a good place with life right now.
For a while there, I felt like I had been tricked.
A year ago, I thought I had this parenting thing easy; two kids were no problem.  Bridger was still a pretty obedient child and Myra was an awesome sleeper, as good as can be.  Then this year came and I got whacked in the stomach feeling a lack of parenting skills.  Bridger and Myra seem to scream at me all day. And I thought "WHOA there! WHAT happened???"  I suddenly decided I was stopping at two kids. No more for me.  I have all I can handle.

Conference is such a blessing.  I am fairly certain two of Uchtdorf's talks were directed right to me, though of course, while I was hearing them I denied it to myself.  His talks which center on running around at a frantic pace, perfectly describe how I feel sometimes.  Though for me, the reason is because there are SO many great things going on and I want to do them ALL!  My personality and pride combine to a mentality that "I can do it", "I can handle it", "I've got this".  So I try to do it all, and "I've got this" so I don't slow down, until the Lord prompts me, that this is too much.

I really LOVE going to the gym.  It's been great.  I don't mind my job at all.  Bridger comes with me when I teach my toddler class, Myra goes to the child center. I used to teach twice a week, now I'm down to once a week, and we break for the summer.  I LOVE the early morning fitness classes there.  Thursday mornings with my new friend Lindsay (instructor) is my favorite.  Bridger and I have also been taking swimming lessons since January.  It is exciting to feel myself getting stronger, and feel confident where I have felt weak before.

Since my Tornado Toddler class breaks until September, I was trying to figure what I can do in the meantime to keep up my membership.  I have always dreamed about being a fitness instructor.  Getting paid to work out?  What could be better?

They had some openings so I applied and I was ready to certify for it.   I was ready to pay to take the course, all I had to do was push the button on my computer to enroll.  I even had a friend I was going to take it with.  I had the internet page up on my laptop for a week, but something was holding me back.

I kept feeling "It can wait", "You can do that later", "It's not your time".  Bummer.  I really want to do it though.  What if ...?? And I kept trying to revise my plan.  Thought instead I might teach a "Mommy Boot Camp" type class, and I even got the go-ahead from my manager on it. ..."You can do that later".

I picked up a shift at the front desk when they were needing some help.  I really liked it.  It was fun up there. Leave my kids in the child center to play, and I could be social up front, working, getting paid, and feeling accomplished.  They are hiring too.  I could work there, it would only need to be six hours a week. "It can wait". 

You see, I had also begun to feel like my kids need more of my attention.  I felt like they were being ignored for too long. I leave them up to two hours, when I teach my class or pick up extra shifts, and then again when I come back to work out.  My focus was starting to leave my children and more going toward reaching my own ambitions.  I hadn't even realized it.  Because I love so much my time at the gym, I hadn't understood the by-product: being more worn out at home, less patient, more snappy.  I hadn't gone too far but this was the path I was on.  A path where kids become "in the way" and "inconvenient".  I could all the sudden see where it would lead, and it is not what I want.

I realized that there are seasons in my life.  Right now is my time to be a mom.  It is all about the Law of the Harvest (thanks Liz for this insight!).  You reap what you sow.  What I most want is good, happy, well adjusted and well educated kids.  Are those the kind of seeds I am sowing now?

With my focus back on loving and teaching my kids, it has been better.  Myra, by the way, loves food.  I never did a follow up post after our struggles with getting her to eat, but she has made the turn around.  She loves food so much that now, going to the grocery store with her is sometimes a disaster, because she wants to eat all the yummy food she sees!  My latest challenge with her is that she is a total Mommy's girl and cries if she can't have me.  Whether I try to hand her off to someone else, or just try to set her down when she wants to be held, she cries at me.  Apparently it is just when I am around though.  When I leave her with Devin or Courtney they say she does fine.  I think it is starting to get better, we are working on it.

Bridger is starting to get better too.  He is strong willed and wants what he wants, and throws a tantrum when he doesn't get it (actually Myra is the same way), but I like to think he is getting better too.  It's hard to know if the parenting methods I use are the right way to deal, but I think its working.

So what is the answer?  For me, my work right now is my kids, not elsewhere.  It doesn't matter how physically strong or fit I am if I am not spiritually strong and fit.  And my family is the biggest event in my life, even more than my races.  Elder Dallin H. Oaks, taught, “We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.”

Not to say that I'm giving up all the things I like.  I think that it is so important for me to have an outlet (for me, running) and to continue to develop my talents and have fun.  But foremost these are the things that are important, according to Elder Uchtdorf:
First, our relationship with God is most sacred and vital.
Our second key relationship is with our families. Since “no other success can compensate for failure” here, we must place high priority on our families. 
The third key relationship we have is with our fellowman. We build this relationship one person at a time—by being sensitive to the needs of others, serving them, and giving of our time and talents.
The fourth key relationship is with ourselves. 

I felt full of turmoil while I was trying to figure out a way I can keep working this summer, and trying to do it ALL.  Now that I have decided to let it go and focus on having fun with my family, I feel at peace.  So at least for me, I've found my answer, and I am happy. :)

Link:  Elder Uchtdorf, "Of Things That Matter Most"